The Angry Bride
This blog isn’t on my usual topics of running or mental illness, so forgive me, but I just had to blog it out. This one is about being an angry bride to be and I guess all the things that make me me – the running, the adventure seeking, bipolar feminist, well these are all the reasons as to why this wedding is making me angry. So I guess in a way, I’m not too far off topic.
Here are a few things that are making me angry.
1. The reference to my “big special day”
A wedding is a nice thing. Yes sure, it will be special. I love my fiance and I’m excited to be married to him, but in terms of a big special day? Is this day intended to be any bigger or more special than any other day in my life?
The day I graduated from my law degree, well that was a pretty special day. The day I graduated from my masters degree after two years of personal hell and against all odds – well that felt like a very special day.
When I ran into San Pedro De Atacama after seven days of running across the Atacama Desert in the same outfit, surviving on freeze dried rice in both scorching and freezing temperatures – well that was a magnificent day.
The point is, I have had many special days in my life. These days have been special because I have worked so hard to get to the point of achievement and that victory has been so sweet. These days were big and momentous. I’m not quite sure how a wedding fits into my scale of big and special. I did nothing to achieve this big special day and would it mean I was a failure if I didn’t meet Mr or Mrs Right and have a big special day? Would all my special days just be small special days in comparison to the big special day I may never have had had LDog not come along?
Of course it will be special. I love my fiance and I am excited to make a committment to him in front of my family and friends but that is all it is. A nice special day. I didn’t achieve anything by getting married, so let’s not treat it like a life goal. That’s just stupid.
2. The pressure to look good on my wedding day
So far my fiance has clocked up quite a bill for his wedding day attire, but has anyone questioned him as to what he is wearing or whether he is going to lose weight for his “big special day”?
I on the other hand have spent nothing – not a cent. Apparently, I am an arse hole because of this. I’m not excited enough, I don’t care enough. Quite the contrary – I’m wearing my mother’s dress because it’s sentimental. I’m not wearing shoes because my feet will hurt after my 100 km race that is a few weeks prior and heels will just feel like a nightmare. Plus, my fiance is happy about this decision as it means he will be taller than me in our wedding photos. Win win….except I am an arsehole of a woman because I am refusing to go on a diet.
Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I thought the whole idea of getting married was making a committment to your life partner. I wasn’t aware that it wasn’t about that at all, that it’s all about what size dress I’ll be wearing. Silly me.
Now it’s not just crazy women asking me whether I’m going to try and lose weight. It’s women who I deeply admire and so this question from their mouths has shocked me to the core. The other day I pondered, is it me? Is there something wrong with me because I have zero motivation to lose even a kilogram for my “big special day?” I pondered this for quite some time before I realised that the reason I don’t want to change myself for my wedding or for any other day is because I don’t hate myself. I am pretty content with the way I am. Yes, I am no different to any other woman and when I look in the mirror I am critical of my thighs, my belly, the extra flab. But what running ultras and lifting heavy weights has taught me is that my body has a purpose. If I love it, nurture it and respect it, it can do great things.
And so, I have no intention of punishing my wonderful body for a dress.
3. Changing my name
Let me first start out by saying that it is a woman’s right to choose. If she wants to change her name, I have no problem with that, but me????
The very question prompts that thick vein on my neck to pulsate and I feel a rage coming on.
It’s my name! It’s who I am. It’s my culture, my heritage, my family, my identity, my success and my failure.
I wouldn’t expect my partner to change his name and he doesn’t expect me to change mine.
So it would appear I’m pretty angry and you may wonder why I’m even getting married. Well let me share a story with you.
The other week my partner and I decided we would go shopping for our wedding rings. We purchased his first then we strolled around the jewellery stores looking for my ring. I became anxious and angry.
“I don’t want to do this today.”
I couldn’t understand the difference between a $500 ring and a $5000 ring. I know nothing about jewellery, I know nothing about diamonds. I felt overwhelmed and stupid.
My partner told me to “woman up.” We went into a store together. The sales assistant was lovely. He laughed at how filthy my engagement ring was. Cleaned it up for me for free and then picked out a ring that would match and it didn’t cost a fortune. He didn’t laugh at me for having no clue what diamonds were in my engagement ring or what I should be looking for in a wedding ring.
I left the store with a beautiful ring and an acceptable eftpos transaction receipt.
I could never have done that without my partner. It was an uncomfortable situation and I wanted to run. Instead, he encouraged me to “woman up,” be strong and get the job done.
That is why I want to be married. I want to live out my life with a man who encourages me to be strong, who supports me when I’m not behaving my best and who loves me unconditionally. It is the marriage that I am looking forward to and if the wedding is the beginning of things to come, then maybe it won’t be so bad afterall.