Your world is an ash tray

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Your world is an ashtray
We burn and coil like cigarettes

(Marilyn Manson, Reflecting God)

Three, nearly four years ago. Driving into the Grand Canyon National Park with my four best friends, my world was an ash tray.

Here I was in one of the most amazing places in the world with four of my favourite people.

I wanted to feel something, anything.

Heavily medicated with bipolar medication. A barely functioning liver and a beer the size of my head in hand.

A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else

(Marilyn Manson, Coma White)

I wanted to feel something.

I felt something. A shadow of emotion, but it was something.

Scar! Scar! Scar Mother fucker!

Marilyn Manson, Reflecting God)

We were screaming, all of us. Head banging. It was so simple and so fantastic. Driving into the National Park.

I was alive.

I stayed in the States for two months. I ran every day I was there. When I got back, I quit drinking, quit my meds and took up trail running.

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Time has passed me by and I have grown stronger, mentally, physically and emotionally. I am ready for this next challenge.

In four weeks, I will be running 100 miles, my first 100 miler – Zion 100 miler.

Why Zion?

Well because I want to see those canyons, that red earth, that US sky, free of the haze and free of the misery.

I want to feel the exhilaration when my heart floods with joy at the sight of that red earth.

I want to feel the heat and dirt on my face, my aching feet and tired legs.

As the sun sets I want to feel fear, of the unknown, of the night, of my own limits.

When I feel I can’t go on, I want to feel the exhaustion. I will acknowledge it and then search to feel the strength within.

I want to feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows because feeling something is worth everything.

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About tashytuffnut

ultramarathon runner, desert runner, trail runner, musician, vegetarian, tattoos, lawyer.

5 responses to “Your world is an ash tray”

  1. Jake says :

    Hey Tash –

    So I stumbled across this blog in one of those late night, quasi-narcissistic, indulgent internet searches where you just type in a whole lot of people’s names that you went to school with to see what comes up – and here I am. I don’t really know what to say, I guess I felt compelled to reach out and say ‘hello’ and ‘I hope you are doing well’ – Good luck with the 100 mile run. If we’re lucky, we may run into each other one day and you can tell me all about it. Stay well – Jake

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