Stuck inside a song



When I was a kid, I remember asking someone (who shall remain nameless) what it felt like to be stoned. I remember her saying it felt like being inside of a song.

I knew that feeling. Doctors will tell you that children can’t develop bipolar – that it’s something you don’t develop until you’re a young adult or late teenager. Well all I know is I was about six at the time and I knew what it felt like to be inside a song.

I’m now 30 and have had two psychiatrists and two psychologists diagnose me with bipolar so there is no disputing that fact now and I will tell you, what it feels like to have bipolar is to feel like you’re inside a song. I mean really inside of it – there is no real world, just the melodies, the layers of sound, the pulsing rhythm of the drums.

For years, I was trapped inside Johnny Cash’s Hurt. Those were not good years for me. I functioned, I got by, but you only had to scratch at my scab and it was ready to bleed, pour, un-contained.

I won’t lie – my longest bout of hyper-mania was an absolute blast. I had a great time. During that 6-12 months I was stuck in a Pat Benatar song – her whole bloody album actually (Greatest Hits :)).

These days life is more complex. Stability is more complex. My song does not contain perilous highs and lows. Instead it’s layer upon layer of sadness, beauty, tragedy and joy. These layers come to create something multifaceted, something I can get lost in. For a long time, I have been stuck inside Karnivool’s Sky Machine.

It is life. It is my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way. (link to Sky Machine)




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About tashytuffnut

ultramarathon runner, desert runner, trail runner, musician, vegetarian, tattoos, lawyer.

One response to “Stuck inside a song”

  1. Jade says :

    Love it, I can relate to the being in a song thing. I like the idea of it.

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